Let it in

Take it all in. Feel it. Roll in it. Let it consume you. Let it drown you to your last breath. Let it poison you. Let it intoxicate you. 

7pm in Penang

Our backs tell stories no books have the spine to carry. -Rupi Kaur

Craziest year to date!

For those who stayed and left, who broke my heart and made it whole, who came and left, who made me laugh and cry, who partied and got down and drunk with me, who went on a trip and got lost with me, who dined and drank with me, who shared a toast with me, who was with me through ups and downs, who taught me a lesson and whose lives I may have touched, THANK YOU for being part of my craziest year to date. Till next year! 

Inked and Broken

I don't know what brings broken people together

Maybe damage seeks out damage

The way stains on a mattress halo into each other

The way stains on a mattress bleed into each other 

-Warsan Shire 

My retail adventure

I've always wanted to shop. The addiction started when I was in college and started earning my own money through small jobs. Growing up, our parents raised us that what's more important is the food on the table above all which explains why I am always thick. I have to manually build my self-esteem from scratch and made myself believe that I will, one day, afford and fit into the clothes you see in the magazines. So fast forward to a few years later and here I am. 

Started with thrift shopping in the "ukay-ukay" downtown then I shifted to export overruns to branded stores in the mall. My trip to the mall is not complete without me buying anything from the shops. From small accessories, kitchen needs, flip flops, books, notepads, tank top, mug, a scented candle, etc. The habit went on for years and it continued until now. Shopping can do wonders and yes, retail therapy does work -- temporarily. While my recent shopping adventures took a lot of toll from my pocket I still don't see myself quitting the habit. As they say, old habits die hard. 

So here's my recent shopping advenures that ended up in a cabinet full of clothes and a few unused clothing. 

PS: I am planning to sell a few but I have separtion anxiety. 

Fighting my own demons

I am not well and I am perfectly aware of it. Some days I am all smiles and laughters. Some days I am all grumpy and irritable. Some days I am all giddy and excited about everything. And some days I am all about worries for my future and what has been happening of my life. But I am fighting my own demons because I  know that no matter how mean, ruthless, crazy I can be, like all other humans, I deserve happiness. And that I owe it to myself to be in a happy disposition no matter what. That alot of people count on me. That there's that one person whose day I could ruin if I keep riding this rollercoaster. That somewhere in the world a newborn is struggling to complete the first 24 hours of his life. That someone's in deep coma for years and yet his family still have that tiny spark of hope that one day he comes back to life. Fight your own demons. Being depressed is not worth it. There's more to life than being sad. 

Maddening, challenging, frustrating

I used to think love is all about sweet nothings, dinner dates, hugs and kisses, love letters and flowers and sex. Then reality hit me. Its a fleeting feeling. Love is relative to the present time, state of mind and situation. Its a constant effort to stay inlove and work out whatever seemed hopeless. Its a constant battle with ones own demons, the other person's demons and all the other demons around. It's not an easy battle and sometimes you find it pointless. But at the end of the day its the feeling of having someone who shares the same heartbeat as yours that matters most or in most cases its the coffee you share the morning after or that last cigar stick from last night or the morning breath from each other, the silly hugs and kisses and teasing, the pillow fight or the morning walk haunting for food. 

Photo taken way back in 2009 using Samsung i450 camera phone. Location: Naga, Cebu 

Afternoon Sesh

It's 3am EST and 3pm local time. And then, that I-cannot-sleep-and-I-don't-why feeling is getting on me. Must be the hot weather or the sun directly burning my black curtain and my dark sarong. 

I am thinking and I can imagine her saying, you got your thinking face on. Yeah, but I don't even know what I am thinking about. I just can't point a finger to it. I remember browsing old Facebook albums and realized how much weight I have gained over the years. To be honest, I just wanna disappear. A month or two maybe. Figure a few things. I don't really know. I cannot just pause my life just because I don't know how to go on. I badly need a guide and to tell you honestly, my prayers aren't even working.  Or I might not have prayed enough. I am still waiting for the one little sign. Hoping it will make all sense in the end. 

Good Riddance

At one point in your life you get to ask where you really wanted to go and where you are at that very moment. You tend to destroy things, burn bridges and even intentionally hurt people just so you could make sense of what was happening of your own life. My life has been an on and off feeling of depression, alcoholism and euphoria. I used to lived and die (temporarily) of intoxication. I cannot say that I am very pleased when my 5-year relationship with her took a crumble. Sure I did ask and beg the other party for a second chance and even questioned why it happened. Alot of bargaining, I must say. But now that the dust has cleared and I can see clearly what's ahead of me, I am ready to -- embrace the person I have become over the last 5 years, forgive myself for all my shortcomings as a person and figure out where I want to go with my life and go back to my life-long dream of travelling and living off my backpack.  It was after all, a good riddance. 

Top and bottom both from Forever 21

Homesick

Its been ages since I wrote something in this blog that almost forgot I still have this. I just came back from a short vacation in my hometown, Pagadian City. And now I feel homesick. Coupled with a little stress and caffeine, I usually survive the week at work but this week's been different. I so miss Mama that I badly wanted to go home this weekend. You see, we don't get along that much. We used to fight over how I would not want to straighten up my back, how I draw my eyebrows, the shade of lipstick I wear, or how she would mispronuonced a simple word like pink. I guess the older you get, the more emotionally vulnerable you become. 

So here's a photo of Mama, in the background I know because she hates pictures, taken over the weekend at our home. 

All hail to summer

There goes this itch to blog again. Sorry for the dormancy for almost half a year. Its been crazy (oh well whose life isn’t unless you live under a rock). And an early warning to those reading this trying to figure out the point of this entry, there’s just none. I think no one really makes a point until they’re six feet below the ground. Sorry but not sorry. So summer infestation is here. Its this time of the year when I get to spend all my hard earned cash during rainy days, get a subtle tan line (coz with my skin color its really hard to achieve that), get drunk (oh yes, forget the doctor’s advice and drink as much as alcohol as I can), watch sunset or sunrise, laugh to my heart’s content, travel, and try to drown myself swimming. So Iris and I came up with this 12 weeks of summer which supposed to kick off last March 2^nd but due to financial constraints we have to delay it to the following week. Its been three weeks since and we’re approaching the 4^th week and I can say its been really great, awesome even. I can’t explain how it made me feel energized to go to work and hurry to end the week. Broke or not we see to it that we do something out of the ordinary and make it memorable no matter how simple or nonsense it is. After all, we’ve been in and out of the hospital a few months ago so we have so much things to catch up on.

Week One of Twelve. Sumilon Island. Spent the weekend on this luxurious island resort where we enjoyed the sunrise, shifting sandbar, snorkeling, kayaking and trekking.

 

 

Week Two of Twelve. Acted silly with my coworkers and drank my heart out like a college student I cant imagine how I manage to walk my way home. Haha

 

 

 

 

Week Three of Twelve. Headed to the northernmost town in the province and took the banca to get to Malapascua Island. Soaked under the sun at Bounty Beach and had a taste of the island life.

Home (at last!)

I am home - this time for real. I am savoring the last few drops of summer before the rainy days start to wreak havoc. As of writing I had just had my seafood breakfast. Yes, a plateful of blue crabs and shrimps and steamed rice from last night's dinner. Me and pop just went to the local fish port where it had an amazing sunrise view. We then took a bumpy ride going to Barangay White Beach, where I did not see a single grain of white sand. Its actually a fishing village. I wish to stay there and wait till an airplane lands so I can take a good shot but Papa's got to work. On our way home, we passed by this talipapa with all these fresh fish and seafoods. Good lord, the crab and shrimp only cost us 110php. Not bad at all! 


And can I just add that I haven't had a tinged of alcohol this weekend? Yes. But I know that's got to change as tomorrow is Papa's birthday and Mama and I are still contemplating whether to have dinner in a resto or she cook dinner for us. But I am definitely going for that karaoke night so Papa can sing his heart out. I wanted him to have a time of his life. He is turning 50, by the way. And as for the present, I really have not decided on that yet. We will see, I still have hours to think about it. And hours feel like days when you are in the province. I am attaching this photo of my pop and this should give you an idea where I have gotten all that swag. :D Later!

Death and All of His Friends

The weekend is about to end but I got at least 20 hours to savor it. My weekend is good if not for a bad news that came to me. As of writing i am currently sipping diluted Korean coffee I scored from the grocery earlier. I took a day off from work Friday and God I'm thankful I did. Started doing the dreaded laundry I've been trying to avoid for 2 months. I finished off the colored ones Friday night and I was dead tired by 9pm. Woke up at 3, famish and alone. I thought I could fight it off and tweet or instagram my way out but darn I was shaking so I headed to the nearest McDonalds where they served me coffee brewed, I guess, from last night. I wanted to make a scene and go back to the counter but I didn't. Apparently, my horoscope told me told that my day would be great if I had the right attitude for that day.

So yeah, I let it pass and set the coffee aside and instead feasted on my hot fudge sundae. While eating I decided to read again the text messages I have received while I was sleeping. So there's this one text that my sister sent around 10pm saying Ate Vivian's dead. She used to be our house helper/nanny who's been with us for 5 years. I grew up looking up to her and treating her like a big sister. She is runaway and is barely on her teenage year when she first arrive to our house. I thought I was all okay with the news and my initial reaction was like, oh well life ends at some point. Then when I took a bath it finally hit me -- that the person I first came to know as an older sibling is dead and I will never see her again. So there, I started crying and wailing like a baby in the shower. Now when I think about it, I cringe for doing that in the shower of all places. But yeah, I was like in that state for at least an hour and the whole time it was all flashbacks of good and bad memories we had. On how we used to go to church every Sunday, how she thought me how to sew not just doll clothes but as well as my own, how she would pinch me if I'm naughty, how she would climb the star apple tree in our front yard, how she made me go gaga over OPM songs and radio soap operas... There's just countless things I have learn from her. It even came to me that I could also run away from home like her. So that was it, her life ended in a snap. No one had seen it coming. I should have known the last time I met with her at the airport in 2011 that it would be the last. I should have hugged her for another second or minute even if that would mean missing my flight. Wherever she is I am hoping she is at peace.

I'm sharing this pic taken around 20 years ago. It was one summer afternoon and our chickenpoxes just healed.

I'll meet you there!

I am back home. No, I am just in the city not back in my hometown. Been a tiring two months since summer started and I know we haven't had half of it. I have been restless since March -- Baguio, Boracay, coupled with random beach trips on weekends and some barkada bonding over food and booze and a week-long of work. Man, I am superwoman. So I decided to take a day off of work tonight only to spend a total of 12 hours in the office earlier. It has been crazy -- at work, at home, at the beach and everywhere. I have just finished editing pics and currently uploading them on Facebook while Pink and Lana Del Rey alternately sing their heart out. Even my choice of music lately has been crazy. I've been more into pop and RnB which is so overrated (no offense people). I am not just the type who'd listen to what everybody else is listening into. I like poetry in my music. Something that would hit me bulls eye. 

Anyways, I remember I shouldn't be blogging at this very moment if Google did not email me about Legacy Migration. Of course, any sane person would be force to get up and turn that PC on if threatened about their blog being deleted. So yeah, I love this blog and I would fight it with my life. I hate it when blogsites update their pages and keeps on asking you to verify your account or email. Honestly, I can't keep up on it that is why I lost two blogs in the past. I'm just lazy, lazy and lazy. So the song playing in the PC right now is switching to the punk rock side and there goes Guns N Roses playing their hit Sweet Child O' Mine. It maybe old for teenagers nowadays but I've always been a sucker for the 70s and 80s music (except the love songs). I seldom appreciate a love song and if I do, I'd usually stick to it for years until I find another love song which is as good as the first one. And oh, Owl City's songs are love songs for me. I am so all over Adam Young and his creativity and every time I listen to his songs it creates a new feeling. Like I am feeding out of its melody and lyrics. And now my eyes are starting to water which means I am tired and I definitely need to hit the sack. So I will leave you all with this pic I experimented earlier inspired by Owl City's music and one of the things it makes me feel when I am listening to them. So I will meet you there when I close my tired eyes in a few minutes.

Of summer and blogging

I know I should have blogged this earlier or before it ever came but I was too overwhelmed when summer finally came and on weekends you no longer see me at the mall. Hell yes. I'm no longer breathing air from the air-conditioner on weekends, instead I am grasping for salty sea breeze. And yes, I still couldn't get enough. Aside from my recent discovery that Apple decided to have an app for Blogger, a good friend of mine, JK /gee-kee/ , encouraged me to continue blogging. Well yeah, sort of. I think what he really meant is to bring back my rantings on Twitter here. I kinda sorta thought of that too. Why should I limit myself with those 160 characters when I can write an entire page of trash here - my very own blog. So yeah, if you are reading this JK, feel my tight hug. ;)

And don't ask for pictures because I am too lazy to do it now, but hey! I got a this video made by JK from the recent barkada trip in Nalusuan Island in Mactan. Its interesting to know there are still tiny islands beyond Mactan. I've always thought those were just reefs that come out on low tides everytime we would fly over there. Well turns out its a community of islands that extends as far as the northern part of Bohol. Enjoy the video!

Current state of mind

It's hot. Well it's summer and there's barely a cloud above. All I can see is the blue sky, dusty road, traffic, motorists and everything that reminds me of this urban life. I wonder how long this summer could last. I'm hoping long after I'm all burned up frolicking under the sun, long after I learn to dive in a 20 feet deep water (which up to now still freaks me out), long after my bottle of sunblock runs out, long after I finish reading those three books, long after I'm done watching all episodes of Ancient Aliens, long after me and my friends gulped bottles of beer, long after, forever. I could only wish for the rainy days not to come and for this sun to shine as bright and as hot as it can. I wish could take a break for summer and just be all work during the rainy months. Well, I can only wish. :)

The sad truth is

What's on my mind (right now)

Another year has come and in 8 months I will be a quarter of a century old.
"So far, so good", I can say.
My life's not perfect but I love every single craziness, wildness, unpredictability (and women!) in it. Haha!
I have realized the last 8 years of my life was like a whirlwind.
I explored the world when I can barely compose one simple email.
I kinda miss the old person that I am - always on her toes and excited of every day.
Hey don't get me wrong, not that I am being ungrateful of what I have.
Sometimes, getting all what you want is not everything at all.
Whatever it is, I'll eventually figure this out.
So I will keep walking baby! ;D
Happy New Year everyone!

First Timers

Its one boring Thursday afternoon back here in my hometown. Everybody's got their own business -- working, studying or God-knows-what-they-are-up-to. I was scanning for some old photos earlier as I promise to Iris a childhood picture of me when I get back to Cebu.

I came accross my old scrapbook way back in college (don't ask how many years that was). I was this sentimental person who would keep everything imaginable and keep-able. In short, I am a HOARDER.

Saw a couple of studio pics taken using a film camera. I couldn't contain my laughter, humiliation and nostalgia that I have to share some of it over Facebook. 

Then I came accross these pages.

Yes. I did it. I was, like, dumbfounded. Did I really list down all the drinking hot spots I used to go to before? Is my life then really that boring that I did nothing but drink? Haha.

I remember the first time I was drunk was like my 16th birthday. How could I forget that day? It was the night of August 22, 2003. I urge my roomate to buy us 2 Red Horse Grande. If I remember correctly, eight of us (7 freshmen and a sophomore) were crowding inside Room 4 that night. We were like having hot chocolate as we poured our beer into our bright-colored mugs while Mickey Mouse and Winnie The Pooh was beaming at us. We didn't know what "tagay" was. We had the corn snack Safari as our pulutan. It only took a mug of beer and we were all drunk for the first time. We were slump on the floor -- laughing, howling and murmuring.

The next day, of course, having started the incident, my landlady talked to me about the rules and all. But I was numb and all I could do was nod and nod and nod. Hell, what do you expect from a teenager? :)

So much has changed since that day and I, eventually develop this love-hate relationship with alcohol. Bottles and bottles of liqour have poured and with every drunken moment another lesson is learned, moments to remember and friendship is strengthen or tested. So yeah, I'll keep drinking because life is short and Imma live it long baby! :D

My Birthday Wish List

Seventeen days and I will be another year older. Done with partying and travelling as I am running broke these days. However, that doesn't stop me to want to buy a lil treat for myself especially that August is my birthday month. I have laid out my financial status for the rest of the year and to my dismay this recession will be over by the last quarter of the year. That being the case I am extending my birthday wish list till Chistmas since I won't be able to buy everything this month. So here are a few things I have always wanted and is planning to buy this year. You see I am not so into expensive things, as long as that makes me happy then I am on it.

• My BB. I have always been a fan of this RIMarkable line of mobile phones. Since the "death" of my second BB phone, I couldn't get pass a day without thinking and mourning about it. Crazy I know but that has upset me so much. Got so attached to my BB that when I lost it I felt like I've lost someone close to me. So when I finally got a chance to get a new phone (just 5 days after its death) I didn't waste any time and immediately grabbed one. I am now loving my new BB and swear to take care of it like a baby.
• Books. Yeah, I know, I'm like building a lil library at home! Haha. A few of my books are now in good hands while I can get no space for them here. I am eyeing the second installation of Carrie Bradshaw's adventure: Summer and the City, Aaron Ralston's Between a Rock and a Hard Place, a memoir book by Nando Parrado based on his real-life experience on a plane crash in the Andes mountains, Miracle in the Andes and all other adventure books I might chance upon a bookstore. I'm still looking for that life-changing book that would make me see things again in a different perspective.
• Reading lamp. I wanted the one where I can just clip anywhere because I don't stay long in a certain position when reading.
• A bookmark. I prefer the metal ones. 
• Sleeve for my notebook. I'm planning to raid CD-R king for that or SM department store.
• A silicon case for my BB. I have to say this was very useful and its worth investing. It could be pricey but the benefits are just priceless. The silicon case for my old BB helped it survived (for about two weeks) the 5-minute water submergence before it died on the 3rd week. 
• iPod. I wanted something to store my music. I don't wanna overload my BB too so at least I have a back-up.  Also I hated it that Iris and I have to fight every now and then over this stupid iPod so I'm getting my own. ;)
• Journal. Although my BB serves as my on-the-go journal I still want to write using my hands. Also I am the type who would keep any memorabilia (movie tickets, reciepts) so that way I can just post it in my journal.

As they say there are things money can't buy so I am creating a separate list for those intangible things I already have and I am most thankful for. 
 

• Queerness. I know this ain't going away so another season of The Real L Word would make me very happy.
•  Friends. I am not a very friendly person and most people would find me a snob because I am not the type who is nice-to-everyone so if I cannot have new friends this year at least I get to keep the ones that are already with me.
• Family. As much as I wanted to, I cant celebrate my birthday with them this year so that would mean another homecoming in the future months. 
• My Job. I know sometimes I rant and complain about it. Hey can they blame me? Hehe. But at the end of the day I am thankful I have a job and I am able to work with amazing people for the last 4 years, who inspire me, annoy me, irritate me and amazes me all at the same time. 
• My life with her. It gets better. I am finding myself falling in love all over again. Cheesy I know.