Fighting my own demons

I am not well and I am perfectly aware of it. Some days I am all smiles and laughters. Some days I am all grumpy and irritable. Some days I am all giddy and excited about everything. And some days I am all about worries for my future and what has been happening of my life. But I am fighting my own demons because I  know that no matter how mean, ruthless, crazy I can be, like all other humans, I deserve happiness. And that I owe it to myself to be in a happy disposition no matter what. That alot of people count on me. That there's that one person whose day I could ruin if I keep riding this rollercoaster. That somewhere in the world a newborn is struggling to complete the first 24 hours of his life. That someone's in deep coma for years and yet his family still have that tiny spark of hope that one day he comes back to life. Fight your own demons. Being depressed is not worth it. There's more to life than being sad. 

Maddening, challenging, frustrating

I used to think love is all about sweet nothings, dinner dates, hugs and kisses, love letters and flowers and sex. Then reality hit me. Its a fleeting feeling. Love is relative to the present time, state of mind and situation. Its a constant effort to stay inlove and work out whatever seemed hopeless. Its a constant battle with ones own demons, the other person's demons and all the other demons around. It's not an easy battle and sometimes you find it pointless. But at the end of the day its the feeling of having someone who shares the same heartbeat as yours that matters most or in most cases its the coffee you share the morning after or that last cigar stick from last night or the morning breath from each other, the silly hugs and kisses and teasing, the pillow fight or the morning walk haunting for food. 

Photo taken way back in 2009 using Samsung i450 camera phone. Location: Naga, Cebu 

Afternoon Sesh

It's 3am EST and 3pm local time. And then, that I-cannot-sleep-and-I-don't-why feeling is getting on me. Must be the hot weather or the sun directly burning my black curtain and my dark sarong. 

I am thinking and I can imagine her saying, you got your thinking face on. Yeah, but I don't even know what I am thinking about. I just can't point a finger to it. I remember browsing old Facebook albums and realized how much weight I have gained over the years. To be honest, I just wanna disappear. A month or two maybe. Figure a few things. I don't really know. I cannot just pause my life just because I don't know how to go on. I badly need a guide and to tell you honestly, my prayers aren't even working.  Or I might not have prayed enough. I am still waiting for the one little sign. Hoping it will make all sense in the end. 

Good Riddance

At one point in your life you get to ask where you really wanted to go and where you are at that very moment. You tend to destroy things, burn bridges and even intentionally hurt people just so you could make sense of what was happening of your own life. My life has been an on and off feeling of depression, alcoholism and euphoria. I used to lived and die (temporarily) of intoxication. I cannot say that I am very pleased when my 5-year relationship with her took a crumble. Sure I did ask and beg the other party for a second chance and even questioned why it happened. Alot of bargaining, I must say. But now that the dust has cleared and I can see clearly what's ahead of me, I am ready to -- embrace the person I have become over the last 5 years, forgive myself for all my shortcomings as a person and figure out where I want to go with my life and go back to my life-long dream of travelling and living off my backpack.  It was after all, a good riddance. 

Top and bottom both from Forever 21

Homesick

Its been ages since I wrote something in this blog that almost forgot I still have this. I just came back from a short vacation in my hometown, Pagadian City. And now I feel homesick. Coupled with a little stress and caffeine, I usually survive the week at work but this week's been different. I so miss Mama that I badly wanted to go home this weekend. You see, we don't get along that much. We used to fight over how I would not want to straighten up my back, how I draw my eyebrows, the shade of lipstick I wear, or how she would mispronuonced a simple word like pink. I guess the older you get, the more emotionally vulnerable you become. 

So here's a photo of Mama, in the background I know because she hates pictures, taken over the weekend at our home.